I had the most intriguing conversation with my son at bedtime the other night. He's not one to be emotional or 'cuddly' but at bedtime he likes me to lie with and talk to him. The other night as I lay down next to him he said to me, "Cuddle me tight Mum, but don't use your hands".
"How do I do that!?" I enquired.
"Well," came the considered response, "I like you here. I like you being close ... but when you cuddle me, your arm is heavy and I don't like it there. Just cuddle me Mum, but take your arms off."
What an intriguing concept. A cuddle without using your arms. That's not a cuddle. But to him, it was. He wanted me close. He wanted me near. But he didn't want my perception of what he needed.
And that got me thinking - throughout my children's lives, how many times will they long for my closeness, my support, my affection, only to be offended by my offerings?
In a former life I worked as a counsellor. I helped marriages, families, and children through many issues, but a common theme amongst many, many of my clients was "I wanted you and you weren't there".
And so, we have the division between Utopia and reality. In Utopia the people in our lives clearly and pleasantly suggest what would help them feel loved. In reality, we get told off, snapped at and often 'those looks' which (when mixed with teenage girl venom) have been know to make grown men cry.
Teenager says: Get out of my life, you're ruining it.
Teenager often means: Please be my constant in a turbulent world, I need you to be love me and take a deep interest in me even when I scream at you.
Child says: No one else's Mum comes to help in class.
Child often means: I'm glad you support me, I just don't know how to be around my friends who say it's not cool.
Pre-Prep Child says: My teacher got bossy today.
Pre-Prep child often means: I feel so comfortable when our safe boundaries are upheld. It means I know what to do.
It's one of parenthood's great guessing games how to stay close to your child in a way that appropriately supports them but also in a way that they are comfortable with.
Just make sure that if you get asked to "take your arms off" that it is never EVER understood as "stop being near".
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