What's your parenting style? Do you hover, push, coerce, outsource, micro-manage, motivate, let go or just hope for the best?
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We’re the first to admit that parenting is an exhausting, largely thankless task. We know. We know the 'Net is full of contrary advice, and kiddie pick-up points are full of other parents doing it way better than you. We know. Been there, got the T-shirt.
But there are obvious pitfalls to avoid. Are you lurking near one? Read our parenting profiles below to find out. (Obviously, if you have a serious concern about any parenting issue, please seek professional advice - we at King’s can help.)
This is the parent who hovers nearby to protect her darling from harm and disappointment.
“I wonder if twice the medication is twice as good?”
Children need to learn to cope in the big world, as appropriate to their age. Hovering nearby robs them of opportunities to grow in confidence and competence.
This is the mum or dad who pushes all obstacles from their child’s path, believing it’s only the world slowing down their brilliant child.
“I’ve finished that draft research for our essay.”
A person who does not experience failure cannot cope with its inevitability. Lawn-mowered kids run the risk of becoming over-dependent and not understanding that actions have consequences. This is because they lack agency in their own lives.
Becoming more popular as exhausted and over-committed parents use screens as nannies, this is the parent who’s in it for the fun parts only and is happy to offload the tiresome and tedious to paid professionals.
“I must schedule some time with Junior, this week.”
Going through the ups and downs of growing up is a bonding experience. Employing necessary help is fine; just make sure your kids have secure boundaries and your emotional presence.
Of all of the parents described here, the ‘cool’ parent is the bane of other parents. He is the low-bar dad who allows his son to consistently skip his homework; she is the mum who buys make-up for her 12 year old. They are constantly cited by other kids as the gold-standard.
“Can’t wait to get wasted with you at Schoolies, Dude.”
As the experienced adult, you are responsible for setting boundaries for your child. While being ‘cool’ might make you feel good in the moment, it’s unhelpful for your child, who needs the surety of reasonable limits and consequences.
This is the parent too lazy/busy/slack to be “hands-on” with their children’s lives, citing that kids need freedom. While there is a deal of truth that kids need to test their own limits, it is the parent's job to help them manage the risks.
“You can only get up if you’ve fallen.”
We know that parenting is this tricky balance between your child’s independence and common-sense safety. Your child must know that your judgement is sound and he is secure following your advice. You are your child’s safe place.
Here’s the dad who values academic achievement above all else, the mum who micro-manages her daughter’s ballet ‘career’. Emphasising that almost anything is possible with hard work is a good lesson for all parents and their children to absorb but these drill-sergeants are prepared to sacrifice almost anything for their kid’s public glory.
“I will cancel Christmas if you don’t ace the Physics test."
Tiger-parenting is conditional love, or it seems that way. In the end, your child’s success should be a product of them exercising their natural talents and interests. While external motivation is encouraging, intrinsic motivation is what keeps us going through the difficult times.
While our babies need constant physical and emotional love and tending, this naturally changes as baby grows more independent. Some parents are so clinging to their child that the child is suffocated by the emotional needs of the parent. Of course, there are cases of illness and/or disability, but the parent is the nurturer of the child, not the reverse. It may well be a form of emotional blackmail.
“You complete me.”
Our children should not ever doubt our ability to provide for their needs. Any needs of adults should be, for the most part, met by other adults. Please reach out before you’re struggling.
Teachers and coaches all over the country know this parent. These are the ones who insist their sweetie can do anything they put their mind to, even if it flies in the face of repeated contrary evidence. These parents are supported by the mistaken mantra recited in the media that so-and-so was successful because she believed in herself. While it’s essential to be optimistic and positive, sometimes, we just have to go with the data.
“I believe you can fly, Icarus!”
It’s unhelpful because it’s not true. We all have limits to our potential, mostly out of our control. Children who’ve been raised on this mantra may turn any failure inward, blaming themselves. It may also encourage unethical conduct. Encourage your child in a number of areas, always emphasising effort over talent or results.
This parenting style is the happy medium between extremes. According to Dr Shimi Kang, the dolphin parent remembers the POD acronym: P(play), O(others), D(downtime). Dolphin parents rely on their intuition and seek help when it’s needed.
“I trust my own judgement, and I trust my child.”
This approach aims for age-appropriate balance: authoritative and firm but flexible and encouraging. Teaching kids the value of independence (with you as a shrinking safety-net) develops self-confidence, creativity, and the ability to adapt. This is also the most difficult of all the parenting styles because it is relational - it relies on collaboration between the parent and child.
Ultimately, if your parenting is about you, your ego, your needs, then maybe you could do with a reset. All of us veer off-track. Cut yourself some slack. Parenting is an ebb and flow of closeness and growing with your child. It’s the relationship that counts.
"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it."
- Proverbs 22: 6